Wednesday, November 12, 2008

I Feel Big


It sure has been a while; look at the date on that last post, holy mackerel that was a long time ago, I’ve lost so much money since then. Financial crisis aside, everything’s been pretty awesome since last I graced this URL. I had been leaning in and looking forward to the entire month of October since, let’s say, Labor Day, and it didn’t disappoint.

I started out the month working, staying at one of the nicer hotels in Texas but was working to hard to really enjoy it, I didn’t even know they had a pool until one of the last days I was there. The work I was ding was really cool and bigger than most people work on in their entire career. I was almost completely in charge of the whole operation which was insured for around $150M. It was bases loaded, bottom of the ninth stuff and if I hadn’t performed it would’ve been a catastrophe. At one point after being up for almost 20 hours my boss told me to go back to hotel to sleep. Not two hours later I got a panicked phone call asking me what to do. It’s nice to feel wanted, but at that point I just wanted to sleep.

After three weeks of 12-20 hour days with only two days off I was badly in need of a vacation. Fortunately I had already planned one. I flew up to North Carolina to visit my brother on a Saturday evening and was picked up by my brother and his bride-to-be and driven directly to the bar. This same sports bar my brother has been frequenting since it opened ten years ago is the same bar I worked at the summer after my sophomore year of college. There’s a lot of turnover, so not all the staff knows him by name, but I’m pretty sure all of the regulars do. Anyways, we watched some college football and if I’m not mistaking it was game 1 (maybe 2 I forget) of the Sox vs. Rays series. My brother’s friends trickled in as the beer and other assorted booze trickled into our bloodstreams. We went downtown to a club that was mostly lame and then went to a nearby Mexican restaurant which is awesome and even more so at two in the morning. After everyone had retrieved their cars from various places around town, and those that weren’t allowed to spend Sunday further poisoning themselves had been corralled, we went back to the bar (same one, you can walk there from my brother’s place.) Sunday Funday as it’s called started with a few rounds of beers, entertained by NFL’s finest galoots, and was rolling along rather smoothly until my brother ordered what was to be first of numerous rounds of Jaegerbombs. Though I doubt Jaegerbombs were what the Founding Fathers had in mind when they penned the Declaration of Independence, I’m sure that’s only because Redbull hadn’t been invented yet. Needless to say it’s a slippery slope when you’ve been drinking beer all day. Around the time the afternoon games ended, everything gets really fuzzy around the edges, but the other day when I was doing laundry I found a couple ATM slips for withdrawals that night at a place called “Raleigh Restaurant Concepts,” which I can assure you is not a restaurant, one at 10:30pm and one at 1:30am.

Monday we packed the cars and drove to the beach. We spent the next few days lounging in a huge mansion on one of North Carolina’s lesser known barrier islands, drinking beer, fishing, and jumping back and forth between the hot tub and the swimming pool. The hot tub was a steamy 104 F and the swimming pool was whatever temperature makes the mountains turn blue on the Coors Light bottle. Thursday we drove back to Raleigh to pick up the Tuxedos and for tailgating and to watch the first half of the NC State vs. Florida State slugfest, after which we went back to tailgating. I convinced two different people to hit my brother in the face with a pie. His retaliation was to peg me snowball style with a handful of mashed potatoes.

My one job for Friday was to get my brother, the groom, back to the beach in time for lunch with the grandparents and the wedding rehearsal. Lunch was fun, I sat with the bridesmaids, the brides aunt and uncle, and the other best man. I don’t think there were too many jokes made at our expense, as we had been up late the previous night celebrating a game no one knew who won. The rehersal itself was a breeze, the main topic of conversation being how much or how little everybody wanted to get to the party that would soon be taking place at the aforementioned mansion.

At the party, I was tapped to play bartender, which in retrospect was probably a bad choice. It was only after going through two handles of vodka that I noticed that it was 100 proof. In attendance was a good portion of my father’s side of the family, and two of my mother’s brothers. Additionally, there was a large assortment of my brother’s knucklehead friends, one I’ve known my whole life, and some of whom I met for the first time when I was like fourteen. For the actual wedding a few of his highschool buddies showed up, including one whom we went to my first Phish concert with Thanksgiving 1995, I was 12.

The wedding itself was perfect in every way, with the notable exception of the minister butchering our last name, but he’s not the first and once out of the like ten times he had to say it isn’t bad. My virtuosic cousins provided the ceremonies music and my mom sang a hymn that had so many amens at the end I wondered if it had ended and my mom was trying to delay the nuptials as long as she could. Both the ceremony and the reception were at the Aquarium, so after the kissing of the bride and recessionaling we made our way to the shark tank for pictures. Lighting the pictures in fornt of the shark tank turned out to be more difficult then the photogs had thought and it was quite a process to get everything taken care of, but we had people bringing us little delights like salami wrapped cream cheese, and mini Cuban sandwiches and cold Miller Lites and stuff like that. Dinner was equally delightful, with seared Ahi and the top your own mashed potato sundae bar being the star attractions.

After dinner it was time for the couples first dances, my brother and sister-in-law danced to the Aleisha Keys song about how it will only get better, the bride danced with her father to a slow country song about fathers and daughters, and my brother danced with my mom to Paul Simon’s American Tune and my eyes welled for maybe the third time of the evening.

Then came the much hyped toasts. I should’ve worked a little harder on mine. Had I put a little more effort into it, I would’ve noticed my plan involved an f-bomb, which f-bomb I will regret until I die. I also boneheadedly missed a perfect opportunity to score points with in-laws. The bride’s father and consequently a portion of the bride-side guests were Marines, and one of my standard toasts is to “our Brothers and Sisters overseas.” I’m an idiot, oh well, live and learn.

After the wedding it was back to reality for yours truly, but October was only part of the way done. I came back to New Orleans and one of my best friends was visiting, that weekend was Voodoo fest, where we saw Lil Wayne(!!!) and Mars Volta who if you’re not familiar is basically a Mexican Led Zepplin, and some others. The weekend after that was Halloween, which is going to require its own post. The next week, I voted for the first time and we elected the first non-white-male president in the 232 years of our United States. It’s been quite a ride.



Saturday, September 27, 2008

The Only Political Post I'm Going to Write








I watched part of the McBama debate last night and I was once again struck by how little I liked either candidate. I was only 17 in 2000 so I can blame HangingChadGate and 9/11 and Iraq on everyone else, but in 2004 I was so distrustful of both candidates that I didn't vote. Now what with the economic downturn fully-fledged into an economic crisis, I wish I had voted for Kerry so I could legitimately complain at how bad W had fucked up this country. But that's not what I want to talk about...

I've been called a homophobe more times then I've been called good looking. I've been called misogynist more times than I've been called tall. Where am I going with this? As much as I don't trust Obama, I can't possibly vote for anyone in a party whose taken an official stance against abortions or gay marriages. In the preamble of the Declaration of Independence, the framers made clear the rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Life's a tricky one when your talking about abortions especially late termers, but the liberty for a woman to choose is pretty clear, and if that child will hamper her pursuit of happiness, then that's 2 to a shaky 1. When it comes to gay marriages, I'm going to paraphrase Jon Stewart because I don't remember the exact quote: I'm against gay marriages, that's awful, oh wait, you mean I don't have to marry a dude? Then why would I care? If someone finds comfort in the arms of someone with matching genitalia, then that sounds like pursuit of happiness to me, to say nothing of liberty. We hold these truths to be self evident, unalienable rights, life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. I can't figure out why that's so hard to understand.

It all goes back to religion and religious extremists. As near as I can figure, the only people who really get fired up about pro-life and against gay marriage are the extreme Christians (I'm looking at you Southern Baptists)who spent a bunch of time looking through the bible trying to find something that they could interpret to mean that stuff that they don't agree with is immoral.

Anyone who lets their fear be mongered by Hannity or OReilly and the rest of the Fox News crew is an idiot. I don't care if you're a world famous economist, if you're a Grammy winning artist or a successful entrepreneur, if you watch more than 5 minutes of Fox News on a regular basis and do anything but laugh at it, you are a victim of brainwashing and I feel sorry for you.

Rant over, I do have one positive thing to say and that is it appears that both energy independence and sustainability have become priorities on both sides of the aisle. I occasionally get these chainemails from the Hannity types talking trash about Al Gore and how his scientists lied and all sorts of other bullshit about how people that can't afford our ridiculously priced healthcare system don't deserve it. But, it seems, saying that global warming isn't real has become political suicide, which is great.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Always Evacuate to a Place that has a Hot Tub

I try not to worry about things. Worrying only begets more worrying and the next thing you know you’re having a seizure and ruining your favorite t-shirt. The thing about worrying is, if something goes wrong it’s either your fault or it’s not. If it is your fault then maybe you should of done something about it instead of worrying, and if its not your fault, that what purpose did the worrying serve except to upset, stress, or cause you to throw up on other people.

In the middle of a ferocious hurricane season, it’s easy to tell the natural born worriers from those that aren’t. Surprisingly, it seems the ones who print out the latest spaghetti models and post them outside their office are actually the calmest. It’s the one’s who refuse to admit that they know what wunderground.com is, that are in the most danger of soiling themselves or elsewise acting irrationally.

When all the computer models are pointed at you though, I suppose you are allowed to freak out a little. Such is not the case with Ike (I like Ike, but how do you get that from Dwight?) The latest models all show Ike hitting around Corpus Christi, TX and the people of New Orleans will be spared another mass evacuation. Someone told me only 10,000 people didn’t evacuate for Gustav, the storm our Mayor, Governor, and National Weather Service called The Storm of the Century. Katrina gets to keep that title for now, and will probably keep it longer than C. Ray stays in office, but that’s neither here nor there.

We evacuated the Saturday before Gustav was supposed to make his late Monday/early Tuesday landfall. I packed 4 days of clothes, 3 books, the highly portable electronics (laptop, MP3), my guitar and cooler full of water, Gatorade and string cheese. I cleaned out anything that I didn’t want to find in my refrigerator an unrefrigerated month later, started the dishwasher and headed for higher ground. I-10 was a parking lot until we got past Gulf Shores, and between three people we smoked an entire pack of cigarettes before we passed Jazz Land. By 2 in the morning we were still shy of Tallahassee so we stopped for the night in a shabby Days Inn with no pool and a lying sign about free wireless internet.

We got up early, ate Burger King breakfast and hit the road with spirits considerably higher than they were when we had stopped the previous night. I wiled away several hours reading aloud a pretty awesome book called The Diamond Age by my second favorite author. Keep in mind at this point we were still visualizing disaster scenarios and wondering when we’d see home again. We hit Orlando and stretched our legs right to the TV to turn on CNN. I unpacked the booze and made a strong drink, and didn’t worry about the storm again until after a long day of drinking, after everyone else was in bed, I smoked my last cigarette and checked the models and saw them all headed straight for Cocodrie, 50 miles west of the city, downgraded to a category 1, and wondered what everyone had been so worried about.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

HEARTBREAK!


Gold medal favorite in both the 100M hurdles and my heart, Lolo Jones clipped the second to last hurdle with her toe allowing the rapping Dawn Harper to assume the lead and take the gold for the US of A. Lolo crumpled to the ground after finishing 7th and punched the track while tears streamed down her face.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Phelpsed- v. To dominate completely


As of right now golden boy Michael Phelps has more medals than Poland, Kenya and Denmark, and more gold medals than Italy, Ukraine, and France.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Anybody need a butler?

I haven’t really written anything since Jazz Fest, but you haven’t either so go fuck yourself. And besides I didn’t finish writing those Jazz Fest posts until like three weeks afterwards so really it’s only been like a month, or two. Holy shit, that was like two months ago. It’s amazing how time flies when you have actual work to do. I’ve been working on this project for a little longer than two months now, which come to think of it is why it took me so long to get around to the Jazz Fest posts. When I was writing them one of my friends asked me how I could possibly remember all the stuff that happened. The answer is easy, I could write more about those four days three weeks later than I can about the last two months right now. Let’s see, I went to the beach and hung out with the fam, it was cloudy and cool one day but we got wasted anyway, Saturday was nice and we had an awesome dinner with shellfish appetizers and baked Salmon and garlic bread. My parents came to visit the dirty and found the heat oppressive. On my birthday I bought a white linen suit and wore it to a fancy French dinner and then we got drunk at the art museum where we did the cupid shuffle with Big Sam and his Funky Nation. Tha Carter III came out. We went up to my buddy’s family farm in east bumblefuck Louisiana. His little sister’s friend still creeps into the naughty part of my brain at weird times. My advice to them was: having a real job is waaaayyyy overrated. For the Fourth of July we had a kegger at the St Charles house and set off fireworks in the neutral ground, natch. The next day we ate left over ribs and watched concurrent terrible movies on USA and TNT all day. I got Guitar Hero and I’m ¾ of the way through it on expert, I’m pretty awesome. There’s a lot of other drunken random shit in between all that, but even if you pick out the four best days, it’d be hard difficult to beat the second weekend of Jazz Fest.

I guess my point though, would be how easy it is to fall into the rhythm of the day to day, I call it cruise control. It’s fucking draining though. Cruise control was a better term for it in college when you’d wake up one day after celebrating midterms and it would be finals time. Now it’s like everyday you have to do the routine, snooze alarm, breakfast, shower, teeth, drive, sit, coffee, etc. and then the next day you wake up and you’re forty? Fuck that man, without music, my favorite neurotoxins, or if I didn’t love my job I would’ve flipped a long time ago, not that long, I'm two weeks shy of my two year anni. They say the key is to get more sleep, which I’ve been on a campaign to do. But yeah, bitch fest over, real job = overrated.

Time has always been one of my favorite things to think about. Assuming I’m not insane, you’ve noticed that first time you drive somewhere far away it seems to take longer than the return or any subsequent trips. This has to do with my theory of relativity which borrows slightly from Einstein’s. It has to do with frame of reference, and it goes something like this: a ten year old and a twenty year old experience the same moment, say the moment right before a sail boat tips, when you know it’s going to but it hasn’t quite yet. That moment, however brief, will feel twice as long to the 10 year old because his frame of reference, or the collected sum of his experiences is half as long. Relatively speaking the fraction of his life up to then that he spends in that moment is twice that of the twenty year old (really it would be thrice because no one remembers being five.) On a larger scale, and to take it back to school, how much quicker did your senior year of high school feel then when you were a freshman? On an even larger scale and to bring it back to my rant, as we get old, each day feels shorter.

Once when I was a little kid I asked my mom what it meant to stop and smell the roses, this is a true story, I honestly did not get the point of that saying, she said, honest to god, she said, one day when you’re older you’ll understand.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Tuesday, July 8, 2008