Sing Praises

Over a year ago, after my father’s glowing recommendation, and my new found capability for producing disposable income, I signed up for Netflix. As anyone who is not a first time reader can attest, I love movies. I originally signed up for the modest 2-at-a-time unlimited (no monthly limit) plan for about $14 a month. When my “queue” of movies for which I was waiting reached 200, I upgraded to 3-at-a-time for about $17/ month. Do I watch $18/month worth of movies, you’re god damn right I do. I work those Netflix couriers to the bone, and if I don’t hit my full capacity I make up for it the next month. I have been hanging onto one movie: Isle of Wight Festival 1970: A Message to Love, because I am admittedly addicted to hippie music/culture. In between acts like Jimi Hendrix, The Doors, The Who, Joni Mitchell, Miles Davis, Moody Blues, etc, there is actually a plot involving the appearance of about 550,000 people who came to the festival with absolutely no intention of buying a ticket. Tickets were 3 pounds a pop (which a rough calculation works out to about $30 today) and the festival promoters ended up having to let them all in, for a net loss on the festival of somewhere in the order of, let’s say $10M of today’s dollars. Anyways, the point is, if I hold onto a movie for longer than a couple days, its kind of like I’m back to being on the 2-at-a-time plan. Due to the changeover time, i.e. mail it to Baton Rouge, process, mail back to NOLA, 3-at-a-time is necessary if you want to watch a movie every day. Who would want to watch a movie every day? Someone with 320 movies currently waiting to be watched, with new ones coming out every week, that’s who.

Netflix has a rating system that allows you to rive a number of stars to movies, and it uses your rating to suggest movies to add to your queue. At 320, I need help adding to my queue like I need a hole in the head, but if I only watched movies I’d heard of, then I wouldn’t be able to watch a movie every day, not that I actually watch a movie every day, but if I could, you better believe I would. I’ve rated 1,457 movies. I’ve only watched about 50 since signing up, and one that I watched I didn’t finish because it was too bad. Anyways, that’s an overall average of 3.5 movies per month, which is way below my goal, but for much of that time I was on that 2-at-a-time plan. Since I upgraded about two months ago I’ve seen 20 movies, at an average of ten a month. Let’s do the math, 12 months of $14 a month saw 30 movies (there was a transition period of about a month when I moved, and they sent a bunch of movies to the ghosts that were living at my house, so we’ll just chalk up those $14 to being an idiot and excuse them from the calculations so: ) 11months X $14per = $154, $154/30 movies = about $5 per movie, which (I haven’t been to blockbuster in years so I wouldn’t know but) sounds about average. Now, since I upgraded, 2 months X $18 = $36, $36/20 movies = about $2 per movie, which is a pretty sweet deal unless you live near one of those cheap theaters that plays second run movies, which we, unfortunately, do not have her in New Orleans.

Around the same time I upgraded to the 3-at-a-time plan, I also bought an HD-DVD player, all the better to see Clive Owen’s milky complexion. What I meant to say was Rosario Dawson’s yoo-hoo-ey complexion (Children of Men was the first HD-DVD I got, Clerks II should be in my mail box when I get home.) The difference between DVD and HD-DVD isn’t quite as dramatic as the jump from VHS to DVD, but its close. What I’m not sure of though, is whether the films shot in the 7/80’s that are being released on HD-DVD were shot in high enough def for it to be worth it. It doesn’t really matter, because Netflix sends you HD-DVDs or Blu-Rays at the same price as the regular DVD’s.

I kind of want to get a Blu-Ray player, likely in the incarnation known as the Playstation III, because this business of a format war is killing me. The fact that there are tons of movies I can’t see in HD because the studio is buddy-buddy with Sony instead of Toshiba is absolute horseshit. I’ve heard that the last format war, between VHS and Betamax, was pretty much decided when the pornography industry chose, for some reason unanimously, to use VHS to distribute their wares (thus ending the prominence of the XXX theaters you see in movies.)

IMDB = Relaxing Saturday Afternoon

I had so much fun with that last one, I’m going to do it again. This time though, I’m going to talk about an old movie rather than a new one. This story starts with a movie I watched hen I was a little kid, not that little, lets say… nine years old. I liked it so much, that I used the old VCR that couldn’t play but could record, to tape the rented tape, so that I could watch it over and over (which I did) and memorize the songs (I still know them.)

So when I moved into my apartment, I decided I wasn’t going to get cable. It was just too expensive, and I don’t watch enough TV for it to be even remotely worth it (I did however end up getting bunny ears, mostly so I could watch college football when I woke up all hungover on Saturday mornings/afternoons.) I do however love movies, at my old house we had full bore cable, with HBO and DVR and even IFC (Independent Films Channel, which rocks.) So I went to the local record store/headshop and bought roughly 25 used DVDs. I bring them up to the counter, and get long looks from the two kids working the register. They start taking the theft-o-bracket things off each one, one by one, and a couple times the dude gives an approving nod. When the girl picks up The Way of the Gun, she goes “Ah, I didn’t know we had this…” and gives me a look like I’m supposed to say I don’t really want it, but that’s not what this story is about. A few theft-o-brackets later the dude picks up Newsies, doesn’t flinch, doesn’t move his head, but looks briefly up at me under the brim of his hat. I pretend I don’t see him, and keeps going. Anyway, I got like 25 DVDs for like $100 because they have this buy 2 get 1 free deal.

So yeah, I just decided, not moments ago, to write about Newsies. I just decided, not moments ago, to write about a Disney kid’s musical. But its not like anyone is reading this, so in the words of the venerable rap duo Capone n’ Noreaga, What? Say Something.

Anyways, if you had kids you’d probably know that the musical sensation that’s sweeping the nation is “High School Musical.” (Interesting tidbit that may only be interesting to me, when I registered MS word, I put “School of Hard Knocks” as my “Organization,” I only mention this now, because if I type school, it comes up as an autofill.) Who could’ve guessed that High School Musical would be such a success (as was HSM II and they’re currently making III) ? I could, and I’ll tell you why. All three of the HSM movies are directed by the one and only Kenny Ortega. What was Kenny Ortega’s first feature length project as director you (probably don’t need to) ask, Newsies.

Did you know Cristian Bale won the 2006 Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror Films (Saturn, but I prefer ASFFHFie) Award? I bet you didn’t, but I bet I didn’t to tell you that Newsies was Bale’s first musical. Even more interesting than the ASFFHFie for Batman, Bale actually had an Award (Best Juvenille Actor, National Board of Review) created for his performance in Spielberg’s Empire of the Sun. They created it because they gave best actor to Michael Douglass for his turn as Gordon “Lunch is for Wimps” Gecko in Wall Street (best supporting that year went to Sean Connery for Jim “just like a wop, bringing a knife to a gun fight” Malone in The Untouchables, he says that line right before Frank Nitti, played by Billy “I’m too freaky looking to be in anything but horror movies” Drago, mows him down with a tommy gun, or “Chicago typewriter”. Another interesting fact that only I care about, the Thompson Sub-Machine Gun or “tommy gun” was invented in 1921 by John Thompson and originally sold to the US Postal Service to defend the mail. Also, the tommy gun is a blowback operated .45 ACP rifle that fires from the closed bolt. 86 years later, the most technologically advanced submachine gun, at least my favorite, is the H&K UMP, which fires the .45 ACP from the closed bolt using a blowback operated action. But I digress…) Bale plays Jack “Cowboy” Kelly, the leader of the newsies, and I hardly need to update you on his whereabouts/recent projects. They call him Cowboy, as far as I can tell, because he wears a cowboy hat and a bandana around his neck.

The so-called brains of Cowboy’s operation (far be it from me to accuse anyone of being racist, but I’m pretty sure he’s the token Jew) David Jacobs, is played by a fellow named David Moscow, who, as far as I can tell, hasn’t really had a legit acting job since. He was in the Jessica Alba fest called Honey which I (inexplicably) never saw, and a few other things I’ve never heard of, but it looks like his crowning achievement was getting engaged (and subsequently disengaged) to Kerry Washington, who has been cast a couple times as a token hot black chick (Mr. & Mrs. Smith) but appears to actually be a legit artist: “I try not to let my politics limit me artistically, and you know say like ‘well I can't do that because I don't ever want to play a black prostitute.’” She was Idi Amin’s second wife Kay in The Last King of Scotland.

The kid Jacobs brother is played by Luke Edwards, who was the lead in Little Big League, and opposite Fred Savage in The Wizard (you touched her chest?). If it wasn’t him, then I definitely saw someone who looked like him play Gavroche (eldest son of the Thenardiers, Eponine’s brother) in a Broadway Les Miserables (to which I also know all the songs.)

In the chorus are Max Casella (Sopranos, Bronx is Burning, Doogie Howser MD), Marty Belafsky (A Mighty Wind, Men in Black II, II episodes of Step-by-Step), Arvie “obviously not related to Rob” Lowe Jr. (Sister-Sisiter, Moesha), Aaron Lohr (Dean “Bash Brother #2" Portman from Mighty Ducks II&III, quack), Ivan Dudynsky (who’s hilarious name belies this tidbit from his bio: “He and other cast member of Roundhouse had pierced ears during the hip hop phase of the early 90's, but kept the piercings and grew their hair out for the grunge "renaissance" of the mid 90's.” Which IMDB bio I’d be willing to bet he wrote himself, in fact I’m going to link to it, because it’s pretty much pure gold.), Michael Goorjian (11 different TV shows I’ve never seen including a 45 episode stint on Party of Five, SLC Punk, Leaving Las Vegas), a couple other guys from Roundhouse, and a couple guys from Kids Incorporated (which I’ve only ever heard of because of Aguilara).

Ann (I’m old and have two first names, so I don’t need a last one) –Margaret plays the Newsies’ cheerleader, and Bill Pullman takes care of the father figure image. I’m all IMDB’d out, but I’ll leave you with my favorite Bill Pullman monologue:

Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. "Mankind." That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it's fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom... Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night!" We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!

Honestly, goosebumps every time.

I don't like the term chick flick. I think it denigrates a movie... We don't call The Last Samurai a guy flick, do we?

So I’m watching ER, which as I think I mentioned before is the only primetime hour long I’ve ever watched (aside from a brief flirtation with 24, but it’s like if you miss one episode, then it’s easy to lose the thread), and also stars Uncle “John Stamos” Jesse (?!?), and on comes this commercial for “the greatest love story ever told.” The preview touts (btw one of the characters just said “tmi”, LOL!) “another great performance by (some fellow I don’t recognize named) Javier Bardem” who it turns out is the guy I don’t recognize from the other preview I’ve seen recently (No Country for Old Men), which is presumably what they’re talking about when they say “another”. (In my own defense I only ever started watching ER with my Mom who is a doc and a fan, but probably has watched half as many episodes as I have.) Anyways, I’m immediately skeptical of this preview, touting a name I don’t recognize, rocking 19th century mise, and talking about being the greatest love story ever told. (Bardem receives second billing on IMDB to the Law & Order Det. who was in Clear and Present Danger) When the preview gets around to the title of the movie, the words pop up as the narrator says each line: Love(predictable) in the (ok…) Time of (cliché) Cholera (jaw drops… … …)

Love in the Time of Cholera really is (I can count the number of books I’ve read more than once on one hand, and it’s on the list) The Greatest Love Story Ever Told. Florentino Ariza is a telegraph operator who (cliché alert) falls in love with a girl, Fermina Daza, socially out of his league. He becomes physically ill he loves her so much. With the help of her nanny he proposes to her and pledges his undying love. She excepts, but when her father (Lorenzo Daza is a great character, lets see who plays him… it’s Leguizamo!!!!!!!) finds out he takes her on a trip through Mexico (I think, I’m not really sure where the main action is set, but I always had it mentally pictured as Venezuela) to help her forget about the childish crush. Without his knowledge however Florentino Ariza manages to maintain contact through the fraternity of telegraph operators(!!!!).

Anyways, she ends up with Dr. Juvenal Urbino, who is basically the town (and this is the first time I’ve ever used this word, so forgive me if I’m misusing) milquetoast, but Ariza never fails in his promise of undying love. Other recognizable faces in the cast are Cotton Weary/Raymond Shaw from Scream 1-19 and the Manchurian Remake, and Hector Elizondo who is a great character actor most notable for his (uncredited but golden globe nominate-able) role as the concierge in Pretty Woman (give me IMDB and Wikipedia, and I could write you a book). The director, Mike Newell, has some quality on his resume, including Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Pushing Tin, Donnie Brasco, Four Weddings and a Funeral. (you see what I did there?)

Not to whine, but the reason I’m excited about this move is that it’s the perfect date movie, and I don’t have one. It’s such a great date movie that asking a girl who wasn’t already your girlfriend to go see this would just be corny. I’m almost ashamed to be this excited about this movie, let’s recap:

• Greatest Love Story Ever Told
  
• Benjamin Bratt (Miss Congeniality)
  
• Hector Elizondo (Pretty Woman, Princess Diaries 1 & 2)
  
• Live Schrieber (Kate & Leopold)
  
• Leguizamo (Romeo + Juliet, Moulin Rouge)
  
• Mike Newell (4 W’s & a F, Mona Lisa Smile)
  
  

If this movie shows Bardem or Bratt with their shirt off, this movie is going to out chick flick Thelma & Louise. But I’m probably going to go see it. The title quote by the way is from Newell.

Today’s biggest douchebag is, of course, Barry Bonds. Bonds could’ve gotten a free pass for admitting his steroid use if he’d admitted his use and testified against BALCO in their money laundering Grand Jury. Now he’s getting charged with 4 counts of perjury and 1 count of obstruction of justice. I can’t indict him, but if I could it would be with 18 charges of douchebaggery and another 6 of idiocy. More on this tomorrow, I’m going to bed.

(For the record Baz Luhrman is a genius, and both Moulin Rouge and Romeo + Juliet are fucking awesome movies)