White Collar Guide To Eating in Metairie

With nothing to write about I’m sitting staring at my Hooters calendar (autographed by the lovely and good-at-calendar-selling Melissa of the Pensacola Hooters) it struck me that a fun topic which I know a lot about is eating lunch in Metairie.

My father, a long time state-wide-traveling employee of the State of Vermont, often talked about writing a definitive guide to the doughnut shops of Vermont, not because he thought he knew them all, but because he thought a book called “A State Employee’s Guide to the Coffee Shops of Vermont” would be a good seller at least among his co-workers, if not with tourists that flock to Vermont every year in the fall and winter from places like Connecticut and worse (I’m looking at you New Jersey.)

Now I do not claim to be an expert on Metairie eateries (that’s fun to say Metairie eateries Metairie eateries Metairie eateries Metairie eateries Metairie eateries) considering the fact that neither I nor any of the usual suspects I go to lunch with are actually from Metairie. I do however consider myself a fairly good judge of restaurant, using a matrix I call the foodgasm scale. (Borrowing of course from my hero Big Daddy Drew and the Dick Joke Jamboroo.)

Anyways, off we go(!):

Drago’s (Fat City) – Can’t be beat. Chargrilleds (oysters) are one of a kind. I could eat four dozen, run around the block and then eat four more. Then I’d eat a salad, probably with fried oysters on top. Only downside, too slow and expensive for working lunch, best for business lunch (i.e. invoice that shit) or payday. 10 Foodgasms.

Taqueria Corona (Fat City) – Perfect spot for lunch, quick, cheap, big cup reduces number of necessary refills, variety of hot sauces allow same menu item to be eaten frequently. Only downside, waitresses have trouble splitting check. 9.5 Foodgasms.

Crazy Johnnies (Fat City) –This Fat City bar/steak joint serves a fillet mignon po-boy that is fucking out of this world (and its like 8 bucks.) I’ve never even tried anything else on their menu, but it doesn’t even matter. 9 Foodgasms.

Byblos (Vets) – Mediterranean supermarket with standard fair from sandy places. I could eat shaved meat from a giant meat stick with flat bread dipped in purréd vegetables for days. On Monday they have a chicken kabab special lunch that you have to wait 10-15 minutes for, but is worth every second. Middle eastern music fun to dance to. Only downside, (self-serve) iced-tea-lemons often appear to be left out for weeks at a time. 8.5 Foodgasms.

Carreta’s (Vets) – Would equal Corona if foodgasms had nothing to do with parking and hours (it’s a comprehensive scale), often difficult to find a spot. Major upside, all you can eat free chips and (awesome) salsa. Only downside besides parking is their cheese for some reason is ridiculously salty, making the quesadilla almost inedible. 8 Foodgasms (also receives -1 Foodgasm reduction for not being open on Mondays.)

Whole Foods (Vets) – You’ve been there, they’re all the same, good salad/food bar, pizza, sandwiches, variety is the something something… 7 Foodgasms.

The Mall (Vets) – There is a strong contingent of my co-workers that eats lunch at the mall every day. I’m not sure what that’s all about, but it is good if you’re into people watching (not so much now that summer’s over.) 6.5 Foodgasms if for no better reason than the fact that its like 10 different restaurants in one.

Café Roma (Causeway) – Strong sandwiches, decent pizza, mediocre service. 5 Foodgasms.

Little Tokyo/ Shogun (Causeway/ Vets resp.) – Pretty much the same except Shogun has that thing where your table’s a big grill and they do tricks, dude flips shrimp into my mouth and I catch them and clap like a seal. I like sushi but neither of these places are especially good. Metairie sushi rolls weak. 5 Foodgasms.

Quizno’s/ Subway/ Taco Bell/ BK/ McD’s/ Wendy’s/ Popeye’s/ Gas Station Fried Chicken/ Chinese Buffet/ Whatever – (Haha, rolls weak, I get it.) I’m mostly putting these here to further berate the following two. 4/3/3/3/2/2/2/3/3 Foodgasms.

Oki Nago (Arnault?) – Several of my coworkers love this spot, I’m not such a big fan and let me tell you why. 1) Their sushi (its like a Chinese buffet but with more emphasis on sushi) often tastes like its been left out for at least 12hrs. 2) Even when its fresh its only C+ tops. 3) There should never be any mayonnaise used when preparing sushi, I don’t know where that came from or who thought it up, but I’m pretty sure the Japanese never used mayonnaise. 4) What kind of buffet, oriental or otherwise, has no pudding? 5) $15 for all you can eat sushi sounds like a good deal. One of the first things you learn in economics is that there is no such thing as a good deal, if it was possible to eat more than $15 worth of sushi there, they’d be out of business. 6) Fucking mayonnaise roll, I’m serious, I thought it was cream cheese. 7) It doesn’t bother me if a place serves Pepsi products, but when I ask for a refill and I say coke, I mean cola, I just finished drinking it sweetheart, its not like I’m going to change my mind. Only upside, they have that bean pocket sushi my grandma serves sometime, I forget what its called. 1.5 Foodgasms.

Spitale’s – I understand that dressed includes mayonnaise, sometimes I forget to tell people that, but is it ever necessary to apply mayonnaise by the handful? Also, have you ever ordered a chicken parm sandwich and wanted it dressed? Have you ever ordered a chicken parm sandwich and been asked if you wanted it dressed, said no, and received a dressed chicken parm sandwich? Spitale sounds Italian right? Has an Italian person ever put mayonnaise, lettuce, tomato, and pickles on a chicken parm sandwich? 1.5 Foodgasms ( This would be zero, but the chicken parm sandwich is really good. If you couldn't tell, they are very ON my shit list, becuase that one time they dressed it, the marinara on one side of the chicken and the mayo on the other side caused the breast to squirt out, bounce of my shirt and land in my lap. I was so furious/food covered I just took the afternoon off.)

I know this is a far from a definitive list, but I’m tired of writing. And nothing sucks more than getting carpal tunnel, writing something that nobody will ever read. Oh my god I forgot Hooters, 6 Foodgasms, unless you’re hungover than it’s a solid 7.5.