THX Lemur

glumbert - THX for the Eyes

Mardi Gras?

More like Party Gras.

I know I’m jumping the gun a little bit, but really, with Mardi Gras day itself a week away, and lots of lascivious behavior scheduled between now and then, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was my last coherent post for a week, or two.

Mardi Gras starts, in my own humble opinion, two week and three days before fat Tuesday with the first legit parade: Krewe de Vieux. Krewe de Vieux is the raunchiest of the parades, with most of its floats being sex-or-other-bodily-function-themed. Anywyas, that was the weekend before this past, and after the parade we went to my new favorite music club and I sang part of The Meters’ Mardi Gras Anthem “Hey Pocky Way” with some professional musicians. I had a boa, I was drunk, I nailed the chorus, it was awesome.

This past weekend was full of tomfoolery and shenanigans; I told no less than three different strangers that I tasted delicious. We saw several parades, none of which can hold a candle to those upcoming, but who doesn’t love a parade, even if it is a small one? I didn’t make it downtown for Barkus, the doggie parade, but from all reports it was a banner year.

Tonight is an off night, but there will be parades and debauchery from tomorrow on until fat Tuesday after which I swear off Mardi Gras for at least forty days.

With the Mardi Gras Season in Full Effect....

Let's talk about Jazz Fest!

Let's just start by saying that the first weekend of last years Jazz Fest was the worst weekend of my 24.6 years, and then leave it at that. Putting that behind us, the line-up for this year was announced yesterday morning and with addition of a bunch of Indians and Jazz Bands I've never heard of, here (with notes!) are this years headliners:

Friday, April 25
Buckwheat Zydeco, Sheryl Crow (Did I just make this up or did I read that Lance Armstrong is dating one of the Olsen twins), Robert Plant and Alison Krauss (I wrote about their colabo here), Burning Spear, Ozomatli with Chali 2na (I'm so old school I know all the songs Ozomatli did with Chali 2na, too bad their going to play all their new shitty radio songs), Tab Benoit, Anders Osborne (not related to Ozzy, once told me he liked my hat), Big Sam’s Funky Nation (Big Sam is a house, but his Funky Nation changes from year to year), Leo Nocentelli’s “Rare Gathering” feat. Bernie Worrell, Ellis Marsalis, The Iguanas (I'm pretty sure they recorded that Gin & Juice cover that everyone thought was Phish or STI), Twangorama, Zydepunks, Shamarr Allen, Otra (One of the most awesome Jazz bands you will never hear of.)

Saturday, April 26
Dr. John (Born: Malcolm John Rebennack Jr.), Billy Joel (Born: William Joel), Keyshia Cole (Brother Sean Cole was part of Tupac's Entourage), O.A.R. (I don't know about you, but I love it when white boys put reggae breaks in their alt-country songs), The Count Basie Orchestra feat. Patti Austin (?), Jon Cleary & the Absolute Monster Gentlemen (Great name), Walter “Wolfman” Washington & the Roadmasters, Harlem Blues and Jazz Band, Astral Project (Basically a bunch of music professors made a band, all of the members in Galactic were tought by a member of Astral Project), DJ Bomshell, Eddie Bo, Benjy Davis Project, Tricia "Teedy" Boutté & Ytre Suløens Jass-Ensemble of Norway, Berklee College of Music Jazz Ensemble.

Sunday, April 27
Irma Thomas (New Orleans' answer to Aretha Franklin), Tim McGraw (I hope Faith's in town), Al Green (!), Elvis Costello and Allen Toussaint (Allain Toussaint wrote, among many other things, Lady Marmalade), Del McCoury (Made his first appearance at the Grand Ole Opry in 1963), Hot 8 Brass Band, Big Chief Monk Boudreaux (Once hit me in the head with a tambourine) & the Golden Eagles, New Orleans Klezmer Allstars, Jo “Cool” Davis (Not noteworthy in anyway except to mention that he is gigantic douchebag.)

Thursday, May 1
Randy Newman (...takes a long hard look at Randy, fat man walkin over...), Widespread Panic (I haven't seen Widespread play since before Houser died), Tower of Power (If you've never heard "What is Hip" I strongly recommend it), Kermit Ruffins & the Barbecue Swingers (I mentioned them briefly in this historic post), Porter- Batiste-Stoltz (I Once sang Hey Pocky Way with Batiste), Johnny Sketch & the Dirty Notes, Fredy Omar con su Banda, Walter Payton(?!?) & Filé Gumbo, Hot Club of New Orleans, John Ellis feat. Jason Marsalis, New Orleans Rhythm Conspiracy (Great name), Billy Iuso & the Restless Natives (I once played keys with these guys, too bad I was too drunk to stand up), Small Souljas Brass Band (I'm not sure but I hope so hard that this is a group of thugged out kids who play like the Soul Rebels.)

Friday, May 2
Art Neville (Original Meter), Stevie Wonder (better than Ray), Michael Franti & Spearhead (How ya feelin??), Trombone Shorty & Orleans Ave., Marva Wright & the BMWs, Terence Blanchard & the Louisiana Philharmonic Orchestra, Papa Grows Funk, Sunpie’s Tribute to Clifton Chenier, Zigaboo Modeliste (Original Meter), Bonerama (If you've never heard Bonerama then I feel sorry for you), Soul Rebels (If you don't know, you betta ask sommebooooddddaaayyy), Ingrid Lucia, Coco Robicheaux & Spiritland, Theryl “Houseman” DeClouet (Used to sing with Galactic back when they were awesome), New Orleans Jazz Vipers feat. Sophie Lee, New Orleans School of Circus Arts (Awesome!!)

Saturday, May 3
Marcia Ball (Of Freda and the Firedogs), Jimmy Buffett (Yawn... /ducks), Diana Krall (Elvis Costello's Wife), Steel Pulse, The Roots (feat. ?estlove's Afro), Bobby McFerrin (Sorry wrong number) and Chick Corea (Miles Davis' piano player), Kenny Wayne Shepherd (Was named #3 blues guitar player in the world after B.B. King and Slow Hand... at AGE 17!!!, now married to Mel Gibson's daughter), Dirty Dozen Brass Band, Aaron Neville’s Gospel Soul, the subdudes, Irvin Mayfield & the New Orleans Jazz Orchestra, Charmaine Neville, Treme Brass Band (Mardi Gras favorite), Tribute to Max Roach (arguably the best drummer ever) feat. Herlin Riley, Jason Marsalis

Sunday, May 4
The Neville Brothers (appearently there are some other Neville Brothers who play soccer, one of whom is a captain for Manc.U., I only bring this up so that I can mention that their dad was a professional cricket player named, I shit you not: Neville Neville), Santana (I want a PRS guitar, with a dragon inlay... nice), The Raconteurs (Broken Boy Soldiers is a badass song, but Steady as She Goes is a terrible song, hmmm....), Galactic (Used to be awesome back when they had the Houseman), The Radiators, The Derek Trucks Band (I'd be as good as Derek Trucks too if my dad was in the Allman Brothers), Keb’ Mo’ (I can go both ways on Keb), Rebirth Brass Band, Sonny Landreth (Billed by Warren Haynes, who himself is no slouch, as the best slide guitar player ever), Snooks Eaglin, Ivan Neville’s Dumpstaphunk, Abigail Washburn & the Sparrow Quartet feat. Bela Fleck(!), Kenny Neal, Sherman Washington & the Zion Harmonizers, Rotary Downs, Grupo Fantasma, The Revealers

Yet another sign that our economy is in dire straits.

Blogging vs. Mainstream Media vs. Dick Jokes

Big Daddy Drew, the great masturbater moderator.

Nope I got it right

Two Spike Lee Joints in the top six (3 in the top 30) and two Kubricks in the top eight? Fuck to the yeah.
Two movies that star Leo? I don't care.
Bet you didn't notice three Baldwins in the top ten.
In the top 30:
Denzel - Thrice
Val Kilmer - Thrice
Milla Jovovich - Thrice
Nicky Katt - Thrice
Ben Affleck - Thrice
Gary Oldman - Twice (I've heard Sid and Nancy is supposed to be really good, it's in my queue)
Rosario Dawson - Twice
Robin Williams - Twice (Both titles start with the word Good)
Leo Dicaprio - Twice
Pete Postlethwaite - Twice
Natalie Portman - Twice (both pre-Amidala)
Jamie Kennedy - Twice
Robert Deniro - Twice
Kevin Pollack - Twice
Matt Damon - Twice
(I really wanted to find someone who was in there more than Ben Affleck, but I couldn't)

Surprisingly lacking in Quentin Tarantino you say? That's because he does nothing but rip other people off, when he's not desparately trying to suck his own dick. And I think he might have written True Romance, and he directed part of Sin City, probably the part with Bruce Willis, because Tarantino can't find more than 10 actors he likes. The origins of O-Ren Ishii is badass, but that's a cartoon, and cartoons are going to get their own post.

Top 10 Movies of All Time

I've talked about this a lot but here is a 1st whack at my top 10:
1. He Got Game
2. Dr. Strangelove Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
3. The Usual Suspects
4. The Departed
5. Cool Hand Luke
6. 25th Hour
7. William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet (w. Leo and Claire)
8. Full Metal Jacket
9. School of Rock
10. Thank You For Smoking

Honorable Mentions (11-30):(alphabetically to keep from having to try to order them) Black Snake Moan, Blues Brothers, Boiler Room, Casino, Dazed and Confused, Fifth Element, Good Morning Vietnam, Good Will Hunting, Heat, Inside Man, Kung Fu Hustle, Laurel Canyon, The Matrix, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, The Professional, Princess Bride, Remember the Titans, The Rock, The Science of Sleep, Tombstone, Top Gun

Honorable Mentions to the Honorable Mentions: Fargo, Lebowski, and No Country, Rushmore, Tannenbaums, and Life Aquatic, Crash, Lock Stock and Snatch, Clockwork Orange and Lolita, Anchorman, Ace Ventura, Super Troopers, Austin Powers, GoodFellas, Godfathers I & II, Carlito's Way, Spun, Trainspotting, Basketball Diaries, 12 Monkeys, 300 and Sin City, Airheads, Happy Gilmore, Empire Records, Face/Off, A Few Good Men, Mallrats, Mars Attacks, Miracle, Maverick, PCU, Party Girl, Payback, Pelican Brief, Ronin, Rounders, A Scanner Darkly, Bad News Bears, Scent of a Woman, The Score, The Shining, Silence of the Lambs, Slapshot, The Sting, Sneakers, The Three Musketeers (Sheen, Keifer, and Platt), Trading Places, True Romance, White Men Can't Jump, Wonderboys, Wild at Heart.

Movies I haven't Seen Yet that Have the Potential to Horn in: In the Valley of Elah, Eastern Promises, Be Kind Rewind, 3:10 to Yuma, Gone Baby Gone

Allegro's is on Deadspin

From Deadspin.com

I spent the first 20 seconds of this video looking for myself in the background, and then the rest being glad I'm not.

Wings

Although he’s surely tired of it, I’ve long been jealous of my brother who’s job has him often jetting off to exotic places like Flint Michigan and Norman Oklahoma, flashing his Amex Corporate and acquiring frequent flyer miles. Today, in fact moments ago, I returned from the Southeast’s premier corporate destination, Enron’s own, Houston Texas. Armstrong to Hobby is about an hour flight, not enough to read the whole Skymall, even both ways.

I flew with my Boss and another co-worker for a meeting where a few dicks got swung, but almost nothing got accomplished. At one point the, “tallest hog at the trough” to borrow from Good Morning Vietnam, told one of the contractors “We’ve got a (half-to-3/4-million-dollar-a-day) Derrick Barge coming in October, this isn’t a science project.”

What’s up with Southwest and their boarding system?

Oh, and bro, the Caliber is totally a pimpmobile.

In case you didn't get to see any baseball stadiums get blown up today.

Japanese Gameshow Hularious Rock&Roll Funtime!!!

Inland Empire

So I just finished watching David Lynch's most recent film "Inland Empire" and let me just say two things: 1.) Laura Dern has still got it going on, how come she doesn't get more work? 2.) If I've ever experienced a weirder three hours in my entire life it was because of that one time I took a bunch of drugs and spent three hours in a closet convinced I was Vishnu, doing yoga. Keep in mind that that was like ten years ago, back when most white people thought a yogi was a bear (or Berra.)





Anyway, the film is like 15 minutes of insane utter nonsense, followed by 45 minutes of cohesive plot followed by two hours of insane utter nonsense. Nonsense is the wrong word though it's definitely insane utter... something... insane utter horror, insane utter terror, insane utter beauty mixed with flashes of ugliness, I don't know, it's a little corny to say but I'm going to go with Insane Utter Art.




I was once at an art museum with my father, and he comes up behind me as I'm staring at some post-modern spasm somewhere between Pollock, Basquiat (I only know artists with movies, just kidding it was covered with paint splashes and pretentious intentionally ridiculous text, like Who was GOD's attending obstetrician or zealous jealousy pleasant melody or whatever) and an eight year-old who's trying too hard to stay inside the lines. Dad says "You like this one?" I reply "No, but I can't stop looking at it." He goes "Art isn't supposed to make you feel good, it's just supposed to make you feel." Deep guy my dad, or maybe he was being funny.




Either way, I was reminded of that as I lay watching this movie, trying to decide whether or not to turn it off. I watched the whole disgusting 3 hours, and even after it's over it still makes no sense, but I'm going to watch it again before I return it.

Just 'cause

I love this shit

It's been a while

When I went on vacation, I thought I’d have time to write on here, but I never really got around to it (except the Christmas eve post which has gotten rave reviews, especially from those involved.) I could’ve written about how excited my mom was to get Guitar Hero for Christmas, but I was too busy playing it with her. I could have written about going to a Saints game in Chicago, but my fingers were too numb to type. I could’ve written about New Years Eve and catching snow flakes on my tongue and washing them down with the cheapest champaign you can buy. Instead, I was busy living those moments with the vigor they deserved, and recovering as best I could from the longer nights. Now though, for your sake and for posterity, I will try to at least paint the broad strokes of the last two weeks. (Editor's Note: As it turns out, just the few days after Christmas provided me with enough to write about for over an hour, so I'm going to have to break this up. Enjoy!)

Christmas was great although, as I mentioned, the present opening ceremonies was a brief affair, with my parents reaping most of the booty (although, apropos of booty, I got a pair of boxers that say “toot, toot” on the back, which I am presently wearing. It’s worth mentioning that I’ve always been anti-novelty underwear, or at least since someone hung a pair of “Fart Wars: The Silent Menace” briefs in my living room a while back, but when you need clean underwear, you need clean underwear.) My gifts to my mom were James Taylor’s new live CD/DVD, and my old Playstation 2, on which she could play her present from my dad, Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock (I like to say it like: Legends of Raaawwwk!) A few days ago, she sent me a text message (in a lot of ways, my mom is 12 years old) saying she had finally completed Heart’s Barracuda. In between gourmet breakfasts and dinners (and gourmet leftover lunches) I managed to prove that I am nowhere near as good as some of my friends (allegedly) are at Guitar Hero, but way better than my mom (who deserves a lot of credit for trying.)

For over a year, I’ve been ribbing my brother about when he was going to get engaged to his 5(+) year girlfriend, who in case she is reading this is more than a delight and the world’s best sister-in-law-to-be. Over thanksgiving, he asked my mom if she had any “heirloomish” (direct quote) diamond rings in her safe deposit box. She retrieved my great-(great-?)Grandmother’s engagement ring for him to propose with and let me just say that great-(great-?)Grandpa did not screw around. At dinner the night before his departure, my brother was goaded into telling about a dream he had the previous night in which he had left but forgotten the ring. Which is all kind of an obvious set-up to the story about how he forgot the ring, but due to early-airport-arrival, my mom was able to speed the 30 miles back to the house from the airport, retrieve the ring, speed back to the airport, hand the ring off to my dad, who ran it inside and met me at the stairs, which I ran up and handed the ring off to my brother who already had his shoes off and laptop out in the security check area, and ran to the gate with his shoes off and laptop out as the agent was closing the door. At least that’s the way the way it would’ve happened if his plane hadn’t been an hour late to depart. Either way it was hilarious. And I made five bucks off my dad.

After the airport my dad, my uncle and I went to Al’s French Fries. (If you’ve never been to Al’s, then I feel sorry for you. I was home a week and went twice, and it’s 30 miles from my parent’s house.) Al’s is like McD’s or BK except there’s only one of them and the food is way better, especially the fries, obviously. Waiting in line at Al’s we were joined in line by a guy that my dad introduced to my uncle as my hometown’s premier song and dance man, to which he replied “Your father is so fulla… fulla… beans.” When asked what he was doing in the “big city” he replied that (on Dec. 27^th) he “figured he should probably finish [his] Christmas shopping.” There are two things you need to know about this particular gentleman, 1.) he directed and co-starred in the first musical I was in, and directed the third (and last) one I was in, in which I co-starred, and 2.) Despite his theatric and musical (he's an excellent banjo and fiddle player) proclivities he is a farmer and will forever smell like cow shit.

Today, Jan 8th at 11am the thermometer in my car read 79 degrees.

I have no idea how these work