So a friend suggested that I should put my skills to better use and write about a real movie. Her suggestion, Road House, could be summarized and the extent of its message broken down into three simple discreet statements:
- “[If fighting] the biggest guy in the world, you smash his knee, he'll drop like a stone.”
- Sam Elliot is a bad-ass, and taught Swayze everything he knows (except how to fight and dance, both of which he learned to do on the set of The Outsiders from Ralph Maccio and Tom Cruise respectively. Incidentally, I heard from Charlie Sheen that Cruise lost his virginity during filming to Emilio Estevez, although Sheen was pretty drunk when he told me that, he also said he would sleep with Kathy Bates for a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue. Also interesting and a little more a pros po, despite that software upload BS, it was Swayze who taught Keanu Reeves kung-fu after they wrapped Point Break. Slightly less interesting is that spell check knows “Keanu”, but not “Swayze”.)
- Crime don’t pay, pain don’t hurt, and tight jeans don't hinder your ability to high kick.
I’d like to take this opportunity to announce a new feature: “Things Charlie Sheen Told Me When He Was Shitfaced.” Without further ado:
Things Charlie Sheen Told Me When He Was Shitfaced
- Men can do kegel exercises too.
- Not only is Chris Tucker really funny, but he’s a really good person.
- Women with breast implants are 75% more likely to be stalkers.
- Red Dawn was like a million times better movie than The Outsiders, mostly because Cruise wasn’t in it.
- Michael J. Fox is fakin’ it. (I know that’s a terrible thing to say, but just the mental image of a trashed Charlie Sheen saying that, all bobble-headed and slurry, is too funny a mental picture not to share. To wit: "AND ANOTHER THING… Michael J. Foxsh, whatever the J stands for, if there even IS A JAY, is totally, fuckin completely... what was I talking abo- oh Michael JAAAY Fox whatever the Jaayyy stands for, probably gaaaayyy…" You get the idea.)
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